Two years ago I was raped causing me to become depressed and suicidal" - Young lady shares her survival story as she prepares to graduate from university
Stephanie,
who is set to graduate from North Carolina State University, has shared
her story of survival, struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts,
of renewal and self discovery after being raped in her sophomore year.
Stephanie will also be addressing her class as the Commencement Speaker at the graduation ceremony. Below is her story:
I'm a survivor - a living example of what people can go through and survive." -Elizabeth Taylor
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
In
case you haven't been keeping up with my excessive posting of graduation
photos on Instagram, I'm graduating in less than a month. The thought
is surreal because if we're being honest, I never thought I'd see
graduation day.
During
the fall semester of my sophomore year I went out to a party with my
best friends. The night, which was filled with drinks, laughs and good
times, slowly but surely led to events that would alter the course of my
life.
When I
returned from the party, I invited a friend over to stay the night.
This friend and I had been out a few times, my parents trusted him and
it wasn't the first time he had spent the night. I was exhausted and
intoxicated but as he ran me a shower I remember vividly telling him
that I had no intentions of having sex with him. He agreed that I was in
no condition to consent and we went to bed. Later that night I woke up
with him on top of me, raping me without protection. I cried, I asked
him to stop and he told me to shh and let him finish. I cried but I laid
there paralyzed.
The
next few days were a blur. I was so broke I had to wait 3 days to get
paid and buy the morning after pill. I remember being scared out of
mind. I remember being a functional zombie for weeks. I remember being
even more scared when I took two pregnancy tests a few weeks later and
the first test came back positive. The second was negative. I didn't
know that not being pregnant would turn out to be the least of my
worries.
For
weeks, I withdrew from my friends and family members. I skipped class
and missed work. I slept most of the day because I stayed up all night
so I could escape my nightmares. I was functional but something in me
had changed. This went on for months. When I would start to feel better,
I would hit a new low. I barely passed any of my classes and I
seriously considered dropping out. Over Christmas break I considered not
returning to NC State but reluctantly I did.
By the
second semester I was struggling. I came back rejuvenated but my energy
was zapped as I saw my rapist everywhere. He oftentimes manipulated me
into speaking to him in public spaces. The black community at NC State
is small so I spent a great deal of time struggling to avoid him. By mid
second semester, he announced he was running for a very public position
on campus. I watched as most of the black community, people I called
friends, campaigned for my rapist. I was in constant pain and
exhaustion. I cried, I withdrew from the social scene, and before the
end of the second semester I came up with a plan to end my life. On the
night I planned to kill myself, my best friend saved my life. My other
friend walked me to the counseling center the next day and thus began my
journey to healing.
I
still struggle with depression and I still struggle with PTSD. I still
struggle with nightmares. I still go to counseling but I'm so much
better. I laugh more and I love more. I've dedicated my existence to
loving, laughing and helping others.
I
never imagined that I'd be here today. If things went the way I thought
they would, I'd be dead by now. I never imagined that I'd be graduating
from one of the top institutions in the country or that I'd be
addressing my graduating class as the commencement speaker.
Trauma
changes you. It changes your life and the way your perceive the
behaviors of others. It changes how you interact with the world but I
know firsthand that it doesn't have to define you. It doesn't have to
consume you. I'm blessed and privileged and I fully accept that. Many
are consumed by trauma and don't have the resources available to help
them. Many don't have the support system I've had through the past few
years. We owe it to those people to support them and to understand that
trauma affects everyone differently.
I'm
not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be graduating and so that's
exactly why in 25 days I'm shouting my way across that stage. I'm just
letting y'all know I'll be posting grad pictures for a minute and you
might get annoyed but for me every picture is a reminder of God's favor
on my life. Favor ain't fair and I definitely don't deserve God's
endless love and mercy, but I'm telling you He will extend it
regardless. I hope that my story will encourage you to hold on to His
unchanging hand and rest in the fact that His will for your life is
greater than anything you could have imagined. Keep holding on, it gets
better, I'm living proof.
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